CATS ARE DEATH MACHINES, PEOPLE

Okay, I probably shouldn’t generalize. My cat is a small, fluffly, evil, bloodthirsty monster. Turtle’s killed 8 rats/mice, one squirrel and a bird in 7 DAYS. Oh sure, she’s all pretty and innocent-looking . THAT IS A LIE. If you look past the sweet face and soft fur, you’ll be able to see specks of blood below her chin; evidence of her most recent cold-blooded crime. I tell you, murder is part and parcel of feline DNA. If she had a diary, it’d probably be something like:

Monday, March 18th: killed two mice today.

Wednesday, March 21: good day. killed a small mouse in the morning and gave it to the kittens to play with. then caught a rat for myself in the aftertoon. felt selfish, so caught a squirrel for the humans and took it to them. they were shockingly unappreciative. good riddance. ate it myself.

Thursday, March 22: brought a dead rat into the house around 2:00 AM. The big, female human screamed loudly in shock. Heh heh heh.

Friday, March 23: killed a bird and two rats today. ate them in a corner of the house to spite the humans.

Etc.shift

I cleaned the room today and the space below the bed looks like a scene from CSI – flecks of blood everywhere and one or two feathers. UGHHHNNNNN. I bet our compound has been blacklisted by all the wildlife for miles around.

I can’t even yell at her, because, apparently she brings dead animals back to the house as she thinks that I’m her family, that I’m too stupid to catch prey, and so wants to make sure I get food. Hmph. Crazy, little homicidal maniac being kind in her own way.

Sigh. Cathartic diatribe over.

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