It was a real face-slapping, hair-pulling, vitriolic screaming, out-for-blood fight between two strangers.
Let me tell you how it went down, Reader.
The Reluctant Girlfriend, his girlfriend Orei and I were at an Xtreme Sports bar on a Thursday night. The place was packed; Liverpool and Man. Utd fans watched the big screens with a look of intense concentration on their faces, completely ignoring the group of people grinding to the bass of generic dance music in the corner. We settled down in a corner with a couple of nice, cold pints of beer to heckle The Reluctant Girlfriend as he watched Suarez-not-biting-anyone (as yet) anxiously.
Three hours, a Liverpool victory, a beer dispenser, a bottle of wine and a platter of tandoori kebabs later, we decided to call it a night.
Orei stumbled her way to the bathroom while I waited in the passageway and The Reluctant Girlfriend stood just outside. Now, to be fair, it was around closing time, so it’s understandable that people were taking a little more time than usual to deal with their anal issues/some of us find that those stalls can make for a sanctuary of solitude pertinent to philosophizing.
We waited. and waited. and waited.
Suspicious. Performance anxiety? Taking a pregnancy test? Taking a very short nap?
Orei started to swear under her breath, with an expression on her face that all of us can relate to. “WHAT THE HELL is she doing in there? SHE’S BEEN IN THERE FOR AN HOUR!” she demanded.
The toilet door opened.
A furious raccoon-eyed drunk woman stormed out. “Who the f*** just said that I was in there for an hour? WHO THE F**(??!
“I did”, said Orei, slightly taken aback.
“HOW THE HELL COULD YOU SAY THAT? HOW THE HELL?! belligerent drunk woman shrieked back at Orei, eyeballs bulging. “I’ll F*** YOUR ASS!”
(At this point, I was just standing there transfixed, head swiveling from Orei to Drunk Girl as though following a tennis match.)
Drunk Girl slapped Orei across the face. Orei slapped her back twice, Drunk Girl shrieked “YOU F***** B****!!
And all hell broke loose.
They lunged at each other right at the same time, slapping, and clawing, yanking hair and hissing. Drunk Girl tried to pull Orei’s hair. Orei pushed her back. Both of them were holding onto to each other, teetering on their high heels, expressions of fury on their face. The Reluctant Girlfriend jumped in between them, pushing them apart from each other. “I’LL F***K YOU!!” Drunk Girl screamed, attempting to get past The Reluctant Girlfriend. Orei, in turn was trying to reach across to hit Drunk Girl again.
I was being completely useless, standing aside and repeating ‘ohmigod,ohmigod,ohimigod’ over and over again. At that point, no one would have believed that I have solid opinions, from U.S involvement in Syria to the LOST finale, let alone form a coherent sentence.
A curious crowd had gathered, to try and see what was going on.
We all stumbled into the passageway, the two of them still fighting, spit flying, everyone else trying to pull them apart had instead been pulled along with them. It was a pretty evenly matched scrap if you ask me. Orei had got a fistful of hair close to Drunk Girl’s scalp and was trying to yank it out. Drunk Girl was trying to pry Orei’s hand out of her hair and clobber her with her other hand at the same time. I was behind Orei, trying to pull her back. The Drunk Girl’s boyfriend had appeared and was trying to drag her away. They were both fighting to get back to pummeling each other, screaming insults in the meantime. I’m not sure what would have happened next if the bar’s bouncers hadn’t intervened, dispersing the crowd (that had swelled quickly once word spread that a catfight was in progress) and yelling at The Reluctant Girlfriend and I to get Orei out of the pub.
Finally, we managed to pull her away and into the elevator, accompanied by a couple of Orei’s catfight fans. In the car The Reluctant Girlfriend and I were both animatedly discussing on the of the most hilarious wtf-just-happened nights of our lives. Orei? She had other things on her mind. “You guysss”, she whined. “That b**** didn’t even wash her hands after she came outside the toilet and then she touched my face!! I just had a Rs. 2000/- facial and she touched my face!! I have to go wash my face!!”
C’est la crazy vie, Readers. C’est la crazy vie.