Ah, Christmas. Tis the season of Christmas trees, reindeer cardigans, plum cakes and peace, love etc…Right? FALSE. Let’s not forget what the season is truly about:
The only thing worse than getting terribly drunk on alcohol spiked with various berries is all the shopping you’re suddenly obligated to do. Don’t get me wrong. Shopping, well, online shopping is my forte. I’m kickass at it (I know, I know, y’all love for my humility, right *cough*). Just look at the number of blog posts I’ve dedicated to shopping:
* 5 Things x 5
But, suddenly, not only are you expected to think of and buy gifts for your friends and family, but also for your neighbors, your colleagues at work (whom you suspect stole that bag of chips from your workspace), your extended family, random people courtesy Twitter Secret Santa and more random people you’ve met along the way, who you always greet enthusiastically and are undoubtedly nice people, but honestly, you’ve no idea whether they’re the kind of people whose primary news sources are the Daily Show and the Colbert Report or make their pets wear clothes.
So, yes, you’re obligated to get all these people something
that a) re-emphasizes your reputation as a marvelous gift-giver b) makes everyone else jealous that they didn’t get an equally creative present c) has all the friends of the friend showering you with affection and pleasantries throughout the next year in hopes of an amazing present from you. The pressure. The pressure of not ending up in a situation like this:
But, since, I’m a lovely person, and have some time on my hands before I go back to writing research papers on Marie Corelli, and on feminist fairytales, and since it’s the season of giving, I present to you:
1) PENCILS WITH ATTITUDE – $10.27 for 6 from The CarbonCrusader.
Everyone needs pencils. Apparently, they’re one of the most requested items from developing countries around the world, besides stethoscopes and books, which makes complete sense, I mean, you can use them in zero gravity, upside down, and under water. And you can use them to scribble on mostly anything or use them to kill vampires or even as chopsticks. Plus, you can customize engrave pencils to give to people! They could be witty sayings or snarky insults (because you’re passive-aggressive) or inside jokes.
I love all of the engraved pencils shown in the picture above, but you’re free to come up with your own one-liners. So you can choose with the one-liner that you think best suits your friendacquaintance’s personality, and everyone will think that you’ve aactually spent a lot of time and effort into the gift. (Which you might have. Choosing colours can be a bitch.) Plus, everyone will just think that you’re a very funny and witty person!
2) BATTLE SHOTS – $24.99 from Battleshots
Looks like it could be lethal. THIS MAKES THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.
3) BREAKFAST SANDWICH MAKER – $24.00 from Amazon
Almost every conversation with my friend Kat inevitably turns to what we ate/are eating/going to be, and inevitably one of us will be eating breakfast food – either at breakfast time, for lunch, teatime, dinner or as a snack because there is no wrong time to eat eggs, bacon, ham, toast, cheese and mushrooms. So, this gift is perfect for anyone who likes food.
If your friend’s eyes do not light up when you give this gift to them, THEY ARE DEAD INSIDE.
4)USB HUBDOG – £12.50 from The Present Finder
How accurate is that picture eh? Don’t lie, you know exactly what I mean. But honestly, how many people (besides your parents and grandparents) do you know who own just one thumbdrive ? Thought so. I can see on my table, an external hard drive, two thumb drives, a camera connector and a speaker connector all attached to my laptop. A USB hub is essential to prevent your PC from having an existential crisis.
No (sane) person would say no to a USB hub. And if they do, please give it to me. I will adore it and shower you with kindness and praise.
5) I’m Mind Your Own Beeswax Years Old – $6 from Incredible Things
These candles are perfect for anyone with a mildly pathetic insecurity of growing old, which is basically everyone over 23. The candles will allow your friend/random acquaintance to celebrate with a delicious cake, but still keep mum about how many decades they’ve lived through.
Age only matters when it comes to wine and cheese, anyways.
Aand, with that, we’ve come to the end of my suggestions for Christmas gifts this year. Just buy one of the items from the list and you’ll be fine.
Brace yourselves. Christmas is coming. xx